I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
