it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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