The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
