I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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