After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
