I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
