i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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