I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am spending my child support on dildos
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
