Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
