just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize