I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize