a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
