I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
