The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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