textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She's like a pop up book from hell.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just blew my weed a kiss
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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