I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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