yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize