Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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