Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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