my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
