Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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