Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
