Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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