I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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