I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Randomize