I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
