I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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