i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
