it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
