??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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