I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
