I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
