so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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