A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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