dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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