Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
