Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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