Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
