I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
