I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
