That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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