Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
