so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
