my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
