i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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