My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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