Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
