Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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