I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
