i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
