her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
