I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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