once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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