I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
