Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
