I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
