U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
