Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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