did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize