is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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