Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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