No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
