don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
