How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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